20:
My brother, Andy, has had his own blog for quite some time. Although he’s on a hiatus from blogging of late, I’m lifting a post from his blog that I found stimulating. Each of us is different in what stimulates us creatively. I have avoided “artist colonies” as I’m perfectly happy working at home. And if I need to get away, my favorite retreat has been to go to Palm Springs, alone, and work for 3 to 5 days solid. And then come back home. Andy has some health isssues that require that he leave his cold climate in New England from January through March. If any of you would like to contact him directly, go to bourland.com and find the contact information there. RB
• • •
The last two weeks have been somewhat dead for me, intellectually… I haven’t been reading as much as I usually do. I haven’t posted to my blog on any regular basis. I just haven’t felt like I’ve had anything to say.
To be sure, I’ve been a bit lonely. I’m down to my last two weeks here in Santa Barbara, where I am wintering to avoid the brutal New England winters that landed me in the hospital 4 times by this time last year. Well, I’m glad to say that my health has been great. I’ve responded well to the warmer climes of California.
But with the exception of the times that my family members come out to see me (my wife will be joining me later this afternoon to spend the weekend), I’ve been lonely as hell.
That being the case, my creative juices haven’t been flowing as they normally do.
And then yesterday, I attended the BlogBusiness Summit in LA. I had the chance to meet with my old friend, Steve Brobach, who cofounded and ran ThunderLizard Productions — an event company which used to conduct events like Web Advertising ‘97, where I got my baptism into the business that would ultimately become the ClickZ Network.
Steve and I had lunch together where we reminisced a bit about the old days, but more importantly started to discuss the opportunities, both current and upcoming within the spheres we operate in. The brain which had been so dead for the last couple of weeks kicked in to full gear, and once again I found myself brimming with good ideas which were helpful not only to Steve, but to me as well.
Walking away from our meeting I thought to myself, “I couldn’t have thought that up on my own”.
And it’s true. In the solitude I have spent over the past couple of months, my mind could not have operated on that high octane level.
I can point to several times since I’ve gotten here in Santa Barbara when my mind has been clicking on all cylinders, and every single time has centered around a time that I met in person with a colleague I respect and did some full blown brainstorming.
I look back on my past failures and successes as a businessman, and can say with certainty that lengthy periods of isolation have led me to failure, while frequent interactions with respected colleagues and partners have led to tremendous success.
I simply function better that way, even if I am an introvert.
I feel this lesson learned quite palpably, if that’s the word for it.
In anticipating my return to the cold climes of New England, I need to plan to have regular meetings with really smart people whom I respect to keep me moving forward. Otherwise, I end up going through lengthy dry spells just as I have over the past couple of weeks.
My wife arrives at the airport not too long from now, so I need to wrap this up and prepare for a joyous reunion.
Andrew Bourland
19:
Composer, flutist, professor, and close friend Mark Carlson is celebrating 20 years of presenting chamber music concerts in the Los Angeles area. The group is called Pacific Serenades and they pride themselves, and have been awarded two ASCAP grants for adventuresome programming, in commissioning a new composiition for every concert. Mark was the first in the LA area (possibly the country) to name each concert, a trend now copied by the LA Philharmonic as well as the LA Master Chorale.
Every season, Mark writes a welcome to our season statement to his subscribers. Today, I’d like to share his statement for his 20th season.
• • •
For many years, I’ve believed that the best hope for music—not just classical music, but jazz, Broadway, rock, etc.—lay in composers (and yes, song writers are composers, too) creating some kind of synthesis of the kinds of music they love.
That came to me in several waves. First of all, when I was a grad students at UCLA back in the 70s, it dawned on me how much “non-classical” music I loved and how all of it was automatically excluded from what was snobbishly called “art music.” I realized how much I loved American music: the songs that we now refer to as the Great American Songbook, folk music, jazz, the popular music I came of age to in the late 60s. One epiphany came to me (admittedly during a marijuana moment, but no less valid because of that) when my housemates and I were listening to an LP called, “Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Duke Ellington Songbook.” As if hit by a bolt of lightening, I thought, “These are as much art songs as Schumann and Schubert songs are,” and I became determined to include some aspect of my American-music roots in all of my music from that point on.
Besides that, my most interesting composition students at UCLA in the late 80s and early 90s were those who came into college with strong backgrounds in pop or jazz or rock, and they had no intention of abandoning their roots. They were, however, entirely willing to absorb all manner of classical music. To me, this seemed a strong indication of an ongoing healing process for music, and from what I can see today, it has born fruit in all kinds of music being not only more beautiful and more affecting, but also better written.
So the Pacific Serenades “manifesto” (below) has roots that go way back for me. And it has also been a running undercurrent in Pacific Serenades over the years, as many of our commissioned composers have incorporated various “non-classical” sources into their own so-called classical styles.
Composers of the past would be puzzled by the severity of these borders. Bach deliberately reached across national boundaries; Schubert loved to assimilate popular music; Brahms could not get enough of Gypsy and beer hall music. Their borders were strong, yet fluid. Even we can’t make sense of our fractured musical world, since most of us love music that carries us across various stylistic borders. And at some level, we recognize that the disconnection between one kind of music and another has hindered what music is all about: love, humanity, beauty, healing.
For all of its 20 years, Pacific Serenades has encouraged musicians and music lovers to play out of bounds: to go against the 20th century proscription that new music must be like castor oil-good for you, but unpleasant. Since its beginning, Pacific Serenades has been about rebuilding the broken trust that has made music lovers fearful of new music. This season we build onto that an invitation to composers whose backgrounds include jazz, world music, film music, and rock. As always, our hands reach across borders to reconnect with what really matters: that music is music; that music is supposed to be beautiful and moving; that music transcends all borders-and in so doing makes us all more human and more divine.
Photo of Mark Carlson by Roger Bourland
15:
My father, ready to buy a stationary bicycle, wrote me to ask Teresina’s advice on what kind of bicycle to buy. Here is her response (I’ve kept her e e cummings punctuation and poetic lineation).
Dear Roger’s Dad,
I prefer a good sturdy upright bike.
however, you have to work harder to support
the upper body.
the recumbent bike makes for a nice smooth ride
you still have to work hard,
but you have a back support
if you and your wife are going to ride regularly
and you might even put in tv area
i suggest the recumbent
but remember to not get lazy
you have to sit up straight
abs in!
by adding a few arms to your bike routine
you will work the heart harder
burn more calories
accomplish more at one time
(more conditioning)
and best, keep it from getting terribly BORING!
i’m working on a mini routine dvd.
feel free to ask more questions.
as far as buying one…
probably go shopping and sit on them
it’s mainly the seat comfort for recumbent
and tension for upright (sometimes tooooo hard!)
start with sears
or even a used one!!
don’t need to spend a lot.
hope this helps,
l,t
My Dad lives with my mom, Jo Ann, in Sun City West, AZ with two dogs and a great house, full of stuff that is their life, and stuff that they are slowly giving away, selling, or throwing away. He has two articles today that may resonate with some of you. One on “Good Friday” and one on wise choices in one’s senior years. He was a great protestant minister for 40-some years, first United Methodist, and then United Church of Christ. He retired some time ago and after urging him to consider starting a blog, he has and realizes that he still has a hell of a lot to say. And it doesn’t require preparing a sermon, driving to work, managing a church and all that that entails. Some of Rog and Jo Ann’s favorite pasttimes these days is sitting in the Arizona room, each with their respective laptops in their laps, Jo Ann playing one of her many solitaire games (a passion she passed on to me), and my Dad surfing the internet and working on his blog. They are voracious readers and usually have their instant messaging programs on so that any of their five kids can chat with them if they wish. Their children live all over the country: Roger III (me) lives in LA, Andy lives in Andover MA, Elizabeth lives in Surprise AZ, Peter lives in Minneapolis, and Joe lives in Omaha. I know they are very proud of us all. In the spirit of my post yesterday, I don’t need an authorized mothers day or fathers day to say: Thanks Mom and Dad for being such good parents and friends. We love you!
“Eyes Closed: Rog and Jo Ann in Love” photo by Roger Bourland (III)
09:
Photo by Roger Bourland
Ride 4 Your Life! is a program that developed in my life as a result of overcoming chronic fatigue, self-deprecation, an injured knee, and ultimately, fear of becoming FAT. It became a way of life, a day-to-day application of putting my efforts where they would get me the best results, physically and mentally. It has become a way to strengthen my body without re-injury, not be fat, and still be able to EAT.
I believe there is a great need to change our perceptions of working out, what it is, how to do it, how to find the time, and what it means. R4YL! is not just a workout, it’s a philosophy: A fierce belief that you can have what you want in all areas of your life. It’s a reinvention of how you feel about yourself, how you feel about food, how you can cultivate a new attitude, and once and for all take off excess weight and keep it off.
R4YL! is a PLAN –– a life-long plan that you can follow. It doesn’t mean you cannot do other things, and I hope that as you get stronger, and more in tune with your body you will, but this is the groundwork. Perhaps you’ve been asking, even praying for an answer? If you just knew what to do, and how to get started. Pretend for a moment that this just might be the solution. The Plan!
Certainly, if health problems or injuries are preventing you from being fit, then this program is for you. That’s why it’s called Ride 4 Your Life! Literally, you are riding for your life! Riding away from a slow metabolism, bad circulation, heart disease, extra pounds and the hospital! R4YL! strives for balance by working the entire body. R4YL! promotes movement as the catalyst for complete unity of body, mind, and spirit. Without it, we have difficulty functioning properly and effectively. It safely challenges all of our muscles, getting results quickly so that we truly feel this synergy. The spirit will thrive, the mind will gain clarity, the body’s tensions will relax, and the metabolism will race with R4YL!
“I’ve learned so much about my own strength, not just physically, but mentally as well, and about how the two are connected. The bike workout has started to shape my whole body physically and has elevated my mood as well.”
Stephanie Pohl, hair stylist, West Hollywood, CA.
[From "Ride 4 Your Life!" © 2006 Teresina Sullo.]
03:
Photo by Roger Bourland
Heart disease is the number one killer in this country, and most of it is reversible. Diabetes is no longer for the old, it is taking over our young people, and can be reversible if caught early. Diabetes, early signs of heart disease, and obesity are at epidemic proportions. And in our children! This is serious. We are not meant to live life ailing. If you have children, give them life-long skills now; skills that will help them escape the fear and self-deprecation you have so often felt.
Try to keep health part of who you are moment to moment. Take a deep breath, and with every thought, envision yourself as a healthy person. Every ride. One ride at a time.
PAIN
It doesn’t matter who walks into my studio–a thin, fit firecracker of a gal, an overweight Mom, an injured (physically or emotionally) man, or an obese child – all share pains and obstacles that are relative. One of my favorite quotes is from the film “The Princess Bride:”
“Life is full of pain, Highness, and anyone that says otherwise is trying to sell you something.”
Having been injured, I don’t wish it on anyone. The pain is secondary to the limitations and aggravation that come with it. These are very real concerns, especially for those of us that have been injured, or are recovering; carrying thirty pounds or more of excess weight; are pregnant or elderly.
FEAR
Thank you, Marianne Williamson for changing my life:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. [“A Return To Love” by Marianne Williamson.]
When fear guides us, we pay the price. FEAR is a most destructive emotion. It acts is without concern, lacks clarity, and worst of all creates disease and anxiety. Anger, jealousy, and addiction are remnants it leaves in its path. I’ve lived in fear: It was terrifying. It’s not a constructive emotion. I avoid it whenever possible, and I hope you are able to do the same. The progress we make with R4YL! can eliminate fear and replaces it with health confidence, and exuberance. How do I know, because I’ve been able to do it myself. I see it in my clients everyday. Never being afraid you’re going to be fat again can bring an inner peace that instantly dissolves fear!
[From "Ride 4 Your Life!" by Teresina Sullo; © 2006]
24:
Photo by Roger Bourland.
The number one reason we cite for not exercising is lack of time, and it’s true –– who really has time to go to the gym? The demands we put on ourselves, and the priorities of the day barely leave us enough time to take a shower.Is it practical for most people to get to the gym everyday? Yes I suppose, if you are an actor, dancer, model, athlete, unemployed, kept, or convicted (just kidding). We are all familiar with the reasons most of us abandon our prepaid memberships long before the contract ends: the traffic, the travel, the parking, the club, the card, the changing, the forgotten locks, sneakers, deodorant, the music you don’t like, the search for a place to stretch, and the eternal wait for machines. It wears me out just thinking about it! Hence, we have more guilt. “Bad me, bad me,” and more wasted energy. It’s this thinking that makes us unhealthy.
Then after deserting the gym, some of us go out and purchase fancy home equipment –– and we all know what happens to that. Sooner or later you’ll have a garage sale. Haven’t we all been to a garage sale and seen one of those monsters with a tag on it: “only used twice; Sacrifice.” Uh-huh. More guilt. More wasted energy, time, and money.
Tapes? They can work sometimes. But many of us get bored: the teacher isn’t good, or there’s not enough room in your home, as you bruise yourself bumping into furniture, or it’s too dang hard to follow along making you feel even more foolish. And because of all this hassle, most of us give up.
But with our bike, (your future body part), there is no fancy footwork, no kicking, jumping or dancing around on steps. There is no ankle or knee twisting, no pounding. You’ll find that it is much easier to concentrate. With a little awareness, you’ll take the pressure off the lower back, strengthen the muscles, and do abdominal work, all while you ride your stationary bike! This does not mean however that this program is “no sweat.” It requires concentration. It demands co-ordination and good form. You can constantly add to it without injury in order to keep it challenging, and by using the arms and legs at the same time, your rev up your metabolism.
© 2006 Teresina Sullo
17:
[A continuation of the first chapter in Teresina's book called "Ride 4 Your Life."]
After my knee became stronger, I got cocky and bored (a very dangerous combination). Between swimming, the clothes changing, chlorine hair, and having to go to the gym, it was just too much to do everyday. And I also wanted to sweat. I needed something to get my adrenaline going the way that aerobics did. The treadmill and the stair stepper put too much stress on my joints, and because of that, I couldn’t use them, ever.
Reneé suggested that I get on the stationary bike and ride –– fast! So, through no choice of my own I discovered the bike. Even better, there was no stress and no weight-bearing, joint-jolting damage. But, after a while, although I was getting a lot of reading done, some how something was missing. More than that, I got BORED. Really bored. I ached to move, longed for the exhilaration I felt when I danced. And although I was sustaining a healthy weight, I still felt like it was a struggle. When I did the aerobics and the swimming, when all the parts of my body were being used, I could eat and lose weight, which was (and still is) my favorite thing. There I was at the gym, working out for 45 minutes at a clip, but needed to exercise my upper body after that. So after an hour plus, I’m still not feeling great. There had to be something more; I was only working my lower body, and my upper body was just…there.
Then I had a thought. I decided I would try to do everything that I had done in classes over the years with my arms, ON THE BIKE. I started moving, and something happened. My heart began to pound, and I started to get sweaty! I immediately felt the blood and endorphins coursing through my body. It was joyous, I was pumped, I was high. I danced –– and then ––– I got bored again, which is not unusual for me.
I had done some weight training over the course of my physical education, so I knew how to use weights effectively. I thought to myself, “How boring, just standing here doing all these reps, why take the extra time after the bike exercise? Why not just do my free-weight exercises at the same time!”
Who would run with weights? It’s much too dangerous. But if you are sitting, if you don’t have to worry about falling, or injuring yourself, or losing your balance, or tripping, it becomes safe! Your legs are going around and around and around, working, pumping, moving, but you can concentrate on upper-body sculpting, breathing, burning fat, accurate form, letting go of tension and igniting the metabolism –– which is the key to weight loss!
As I moved the weights, I felt my whole body working. This was cool. Whether I was doing a portebra (a ballet arm movements), or a military press (an overhead press with weights), I could feel my body energized. I was getting an all over workout, not experiencing boredom, getting skinny and eating! I was getting more done in less time. I was wearing myself out and loving it. I didn’t have to have a teacher, a pool, a studio, a gym, or a class. I felt liberated. I felt in control.
As time went on, I added bands and bars, and as time went on, a program that will keep you fit and happy –– in just ten minutes a day –– was born. The best news for me is that, after all these years, I’m still not bored. There is always something new to come up with: a new move, a new exercise, a new stretch, something to think about, or music –– new or old –– to inspire me to perspire.
After many years of torturing myself, I now have chosen to dedicate my energy to something that has become profoundly worthwhile. And after years of self-abuse, eating disorders, bad relationships, doormat behavior, and the everlasting desire for skinniness, I have found a program that I can’t wait to share with you: it’s call Ride 4 Your Life!
© 2006 by Teresina
10:
(A serial publication of the book, Ride 4 Your Life! on health and fitness by Teresina.)
I moved to NYC to make my way to the great stage. I danced, joined a gym and exercised hard. Aerobics was the craze and I was hooked. I loved the high, I loved the sweat, and I loved the weight control. This is when I discovered I really could eat, and eat a lot, as long as it was the right stuff.
I found the energy to keep getting healthier. I started a regimen of taking supplements and herbs. After a time of self and health exploration, I was in top form. My body was lean and fit and my eating habits were definitely better –– as long as I kept moving. Yes, I was healing, and had discovered a new way of life, but I was terrified at the prospect of having to work out this hard for the rest of my life!
“Teresina Bitch Pout” photo by Roger Bourland.
I was just starting to like myself when…BOOM! I ripped the cartilage in my knee doing high-impact aerobics. I fell flat on my ass. (Funny how the universe puts you where you need to be!) The only reason I didn’t black out from the pain was because I was so angry, knowing that I wouldn’t dancing any time soon. My trainer, Reneé Leigh, arrived a few minutes later, scooped me up off the floor, put me into a cab, and rushed me to the hospital. It turned out that I tore my lateral meniscus and despite many efforts to avoid surgery, I delayed the inevitable, and underwent arthroscopic surgery under the healing hands of a sports surgeon by the name of Dr. Parisian.
To my horror, it was necessary for me to stay in a knee immobilizer for seven weeks. I was panic-stricken! I was immobilized!! I wasn’t so much fearful about the recovery of my knee –– I expected it would be fine, but my weight! I was frantic!! Not to mention that I wanted to dance again.
This was big: I was having surgery, me, who never so much as needed a single stitch! And it was my decision. I wasn’t a little girl anymore. But since my knee could not support me, what choice did I have? Looking back, I realize it was the first time I let go of my fear and surrendered to whatever might happen.
To my amazement, although I did gain a few pounds, I had restored my metabolism to such a degree that I did not get fat. Even more amazing was the fact that I didn’t hate myself –– and I even cheated! (I remember because it was the first time I had Haagen Daz Deep Chocolate Fudge ice cream. You just don’t forget things like that!!). It was the first time feeling joy about my body I remember having.
After the immobilization on my knee was completed, I began physical therapy. I diligently followed Reneé’s advice as I had for years. She knew me (my body) well and I trusted her. “Swimming, swimming and more swimming,” she said. So I did. Daily. My knee, and my body became STRONG and efficient!
When you realize that everything that happens to you brings you to the place you need to be, anything can happen. This realization is what helps eliminate fear. To me, this is the difference between belief in one’s self and faith in one’s self. Belief is accepting where you are, which is good and necessary. But for me, faith is the deep understanding that it is the right place to be. That is dedication; and somehow, I had both.
A healthy spirit thrives from deep self-respect –– not from seeking validation and results, reasons or excuses, but rather complete and utter faith that we are who we decide to be. It is no longer necessary to seek approval from others. We no longer need to wait for praise or encouragement. Have faith that you can do what it takes to get the job done. [to be continued]
© 2006 by Teresina
26:
“Teresina Cameo” photo by Roger Bourland
I used to think that if I loved myself I would be perceived as egotistical, cocky, and arrogant. Who likes that kind of person, right? I believed that if I wasn’t hard on myself and driven, I would never be successful. If there was something I was really good at, I’d hold back, fearing that others would resent me, or even worse, not like me. Usually, nothing I did made me feel that I was as good as others. I needed to be better, do more. I was afraid that the minute I gave myself credit for doing well, God would come down and take care of that sassy attitude. God was always there to judge my failure. Of course, He wasn’t judging anyone else’s––just mine. I was different. I was special. More was expected of me. God knew I could take it.
Everything was measured and labeled like a secret competition that I knew I was never going to win, but convinced myself it kept me motivated. I also felt that if I loved myself I would be lenient and just stay the loser I thought I really was. I thought accepting myself meant tolerating my own faults, my shortcomings, and my inadequacies, and where the heck would that leave me? It left me in a place where everything had to be perfect, explained, in order, fair, and pay off.
I have to admit that it was fear that drove me, and caused a lot of pain. Striving for others’ notions of perfection, beauty, and talent left me empty––chasing dreams for all the wrong reasons.
Aren’t I pretty? Look at me, I’m not fat, I must have it together. And if you are thin, doesn’t that automatically mean you have it all together?
I yearned to be the most talented, the prettiest, the skinniest, the nicest, and the one that all the boys wanted. And only then could I like myself. Then I could enjoy myself. Once I got there I could let go and not work so hard, and be happy. Or so I thought…
In retrospect, I was too dang busy doing everything, trying to “get there,” attempting to control my way to perfection, deciding I was already not good enough, or that something was wrong with me. Sound familiar?
© 2006 Teresina Sullo
24:
Teresina Sullo is my friend and fitness coach. She has kept me in shape in spite of myself and inspired many of all ages to stay in shape. One of her fitness passions is the stationary bicycle. From that, she invented a workout regime that is based around the bike. I plan to print here from time to time some of her writings so that I can share some of her physical wisdom with you. Here is the first part of the background of her story. If you have any questions, post them here or write her directly as teresina at mac dot com.
“Teresina Sullo” (photo by Roger Bourland)
As a child my family always had a garden. Even if we had to drive to it, we had an organic vegetable patch. As a child, pulling radishes out of the ground amazed me. It still does. There was great respect for the earth and the fruit it bore. Later when we lived on a farm, mom made almost everything from scratch. She even made her own pasta! Everything was fresh, home grown and pesticide free. I was very privileged.
Despite this idyllic backdrop, I was an overachieving girl from a loving, overweight, sedentary family that loved to eat. Even on a budget, life revolved around food. Fat and obesity was common to both sides of the family. I watched as my parents and relatives battled the bulge, fought obesity, and wrestled with exercise. I felt their unhappiness, struggle and self-loathing. I lived through their operations, shakes, pills, and watched the failure of one failed weight-loss plan after another. I lived in terror that one day I would be a large as the rest of my family, and from a very early age, I was determined to defy my genetics.
I have been obsessed with food and weight issues for as long as I can remember. I was on self-imposed diets by the second grade and everything had to do with my body image. How big was my belly today? By the time I was 16, I had been on, or read about, every diet known to man: the grapefruit diet, the Scarsdale diet, the banana and egg diet, the protein diet, the diet soda diet, every magazine diet, and all the fad diets that continue to recycle and resurface to haunt the next eager victims. I examined and critiqued my body every waking moment.
College changed all of that. In one fell swoop, I was thrust into a world of food I had not had regular access to up until then. Sugar-coated-breakfasts, desserts galore and ice cream sundae bars! It was torture. My dorm buddies and floor mates downed midnight pizza, buffalo wings, beer, punch, and drinks I had never heard of before or since.
I was terrified of gaining weight. I had chosen a profession that encouraged a very thin body–anorexia among dancers is rampant. I was now determined to be skinny, no matter what it took. I used Ex-lax and diet pills. I watched friends weep in desperation over their mounting self-hatred. I resolved to do the only thing I thought would work: not eat. That way there was no discussion in my head. I didn’t have to make choices. I’d go for days on a bran muffin and white mushrooms.
Unfortunately the abuse my body suffered left me weak and weary. My metabolism was completely shot. I suffered from fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, and the loss of my period. Some of my classmates withdrew from school because they were so underweight. And suddenly, I could no longer hold my arms up to blow-dry my hair. I couldn’t get up in the morning. I barely had the strength to dance, to do what I love. My psyche ached, my body strained, yet somehow my spirit led me on. I had so many things I wanted to do with my life.
I had no choice but to find a way to get better. I started to search for answers that could begin my healing. I got no help from traditional doctors, so I decided to look elsewhere. This was the beginning of accepting the responsibility for my health.
I put my first effort into my diet. I started eating again long before I finally crashed, and I maintained a good body weight. But my relationship with food and my body was still warped, and I felt so tired. I would go all day without eating, and then eat a large meal, but then I found myself overeating, stressing, and counting calories. Food was still the enemy. It affected my mood, my relationships, everything.
I was desperate. I looked to alternative medicine. I found my way to a Naturopath who forced me to acknowledge the damage I had done to myself. It all made sense to me: I had abused my body so much that I needed to repair my immune system, rehabilitate my digestion and rebuild my metabolism. I had severely altered the workings of my body.
You see, although I was eating again, it was not the right stuff, so in a sense I was still starving myself. It was as if I were saying to myself, “OK, damn you, if I’m going to have to eat, I’ll eat…a chocolate bar!” Once again, I perpetuated the cycle of abuse and recovery.
So I turned to awful tasting herbs, enzymes and experimented with different foods. I also found myself reading health magazines and preparing healthier foods, just generally making changes for a healthier way of life. I started reading labels and caring what went inside of me. I gave up caffeine since I was a heavy coffee drinker (that was a week I’ll never forget). Slowly I abolished sugar and all other over-processed, empty fake foods. I started to get back to the basics! Damn. Why is my mother always right?
And so redefining my relationship with food was helping me to heal my body, but there was still something not right.
(to be continued next Friday)
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