Rufus fires Charles Ives

March 15, 2007

[Ides of March, 2007; Rufus writes to Hector Berlioz begging for a different teacher.]

Cher Hector,

Please make that mongoose Charles Ives go away. He’s a jerk and really not that good of a teacher. He’s constantly popping up on my computer screen, my television, and even the GPS in my car. I can’t take it anymore. Please tell him to go away and leave me alone.

He insists on calling me Ralph because it’s more manly (and who cares what that is) and more American. Please! He has too many problems with himself to have the wherewithal to teach anyone else anything.

He kept calling passages in my music “fairy music” or “fairy dust” or “poofter tunes.” He screamed at me for about 5 minutes after hearing my new song for the upcoming Disney movie, MEET THE ROBINSONS. Please M. Berlioz, send me someone else!

Your Rufus

fired.jpg[Response from Hector Berlioz floated down from the ceiling while Rufus was composing at the piano. Rufus grabs the paper, looks up at the ceiling and all around–no one–and reads:]

My Dear Rufus,

My apologies for the unusual communication, but I’m having a “treatment” for my opium addiction and can’t bilocate at the moment. I responded as quickly as I could.

I’ll be sending you an new teacher this week, my fellow countryman, Maurice Ravel. He is very different than Mr Ives, and like you, he’s, well, like you. Maurice will contact you through your instant messaging program. His handle is bolero69. He is rather shy so you may have to draw him out. Let me know how the lessons go.

Je t’embrasse,


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